How accurate is google????

I got this in an e-mail a few months back and only got round to checking it out recently....

No wonder so many people say google's search engine can find anything for
you

1- Go to Google (http://www.google.com/ <http://www.google.com/> )

2- Type in the word "Failure"

3- Instead of clicking "Google Search," click "I'm Feeling Lucky."

4- Giggle..don't laugh out loud!!!!

5- Spread the word before the people at Google "fix" it.

Only in Britain....

On the way into work I heard this on the radio.....

A best selling book called "Crap Towns" had a sequel released... "Crap Towns 2"..........

BECAUSE.........

SO MANY PEOPLE WROTE IN COMPLAING ADOUT THEIR TOWN OR CITY NOT BEING INCLUDED!!!!!

Anger in reflection

Again this title sounds deep but trust me it isn't.....

In one of my previous posts (the search for me), I said I was surprised that when I put my name into Google, an entry referring to me came as high as 5th.......

However.......

After a weekend reflecting..... I have become angry, nay enraged..... How can someone with my stature, my brilliance, my wit, my charm be relegated to a lowly fifth.

I'm the king of the world, this is my planet you... you plebs merely live on it.... I should have been at the top of the list! Infact every entry should have referred to me... no ait every result in every search carried out (regardless of the subject searched for) should refer to me.

I am disgusted with the antics of Google... but in my magnanimous generosity, I will assume this is merely a small oversight on their part, to this end I will allow Google (and every other search engine) a period of 20 nanoseconds to correct their churlish behaviour... after which I will take Google to the Ineternational War Crimes tribunal (cos it is that bad an offence) and sue them for every penny/cent/shilling etc etc that they have!

The search for me..............

Before anyone gets excited and assumes that this post is going to be some deep and meaningful comment regarding some inner soul searching etc etc... I'm sorry to dissappoint you but its not!

While sitting at work bored, I was thinking about how I'd find information out about peope I know on the net... then I wondered what information was out there regarding me and how easy it would be for people to find me...

So i decided to try a mini experiment... I typed my name (Salim Suleman) into Google to see where I would rank....

And to my surprise........

The first entry referring to me was fifth in the list, it was my blogger.com profile!!!!

I also came in at number 39 with a listing on my old schools ex-pupils directory (Roundhay School)!

And the final entry I found was at number 149 - this was actually from a 10km race I ran in 2000. I came 347th (out of 364 in a time of 1hr 1min and 12 seconds). This was actually a good result for me as I had broken my leg a few months earlier.

I might try this search on other search engines and then post the results here.

It would be interesting if you guys did the same and posted you're results here in the comments!

(Oh and for you're information other famous Salim Suleman's include music producers. gangsters and guerilla warfare commanders!!!).

A hero falls

In all movies, the hero has to fall, to fail in some way. Nobody likes a show-off.

In bad movies, the hero rises in ridiculous and predictable ways at the last possible moment.

In good movies, the hero rises in ways that make you think.

In great movies, the hero never rises.

I am one great movie.

This is how great I am....

I can win a game of Connect 4 in three moves.........

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures I allow to live.....

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to me and that you will be handicapped if you park there.........

I once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!".....

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is me....

I don't shower, I only takes blood baths....

When I go to donate blood, I declines the syringe, and request a hand gun and a bucket.....

I can divide by zero....

When taking exams write my name for every answer... you'll come top....

I have... the greatest Poker-Face of all time. I won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO....

I grind coffee with my teeth and boils the water with my own rage.....

I once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made me blink....

I can touch MC Hammer.....

I played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won....

etc etc etc

Joke

Well cos I'm too busy to entertain you... here's a little joke that came my way via the e-mail....

enjoy...

A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.
Bear says: "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."
Lion says: "If I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me."
Chicken says: "Big deal I only have to cough and the entire planet sh*ts itself."

MY NEW MOTTO

I have a new motto in life....

...its from the movie HEAT....

"Never get attached to anything on the street that you can't drop in sixty seconds flat when you feel the heat around the corner."

Those who know me will know what it means and why!

Lame joke of the day

This joke is from Maritz the South African....

Its actually so lame it made me laugh.....

Enjoy...

____________________________________________________

A man goes to the zoo

When he gets there, there was only a dog

It was a Shitzu

_____________________________________________________________________

I'm the boss...

I was late in to work today........ I was meant to start at 9am.... but I woke up at 9-30... didn't get in till 10.30 and the realised I had a meeting....

Nobody said anything... it could be because

a) I'm so damn good at my job that they let these things go........
b) I'm such a hardass and everyone is toooooooo scared to even make eye contact with me......
c) I'm superior to everyone in intellect and the boss of the world....or
d) I'm just an insignificant pleb... doing a meaningless job.... and my absence didn't even register with people..
Personally I think its a combination of a, b and c....... But lets put it to a vote... let me know what you guys think............... lets have a vote... you can do this by leaving comments.....

This blog ain't all depressing... (trust me I'm an accountant...hehehe!!!)

Just had a thought.... any new readers coming to this blog may get the wrong idea about it... after reading the last few posts you may assume this blog is like 99.999999% of other blogs and is written by some heartbroken teenage adolescent moaning about there life... or in my case lack if it.....

You may then get a sense of deja-vu and run away screaming....you may think you've reas this a millio times before.....

Well that's not so.... this blog is actually full of really funny sh*t (well I think its funny)...... you jut gotta get past the reallt depressing sh*t first.....

So all you new readers out there... persevere as they say... all good things come the they who wait.....

Enjoy.... cos I'm sure the bulk of this blog will actually cheer a lot of people up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Observation...

The more switched-on and observant of my readers (which will mean none of you) may have noticed that I haven't blogged in sometime (hell I was expecting to come back and find that the blog had been deleted or taken over by interner squatters)...


You can blame my boss.... I normally blog when I'm in the office, but guess what???? my bosses actually expect me to do some work when I'm in the office.... ridiculous I know... but seeing as I don't run the planet at the moment I'll have to live by their rules...


Anyway... while surfing the net... I found a little programme that allows me to update my blog than my pocketpc / phone (that's my xda2i) ....


This means I can new update my blog anywhere anywhere / anytime.... at home, on the train, in the cinema, at a restaurant, in bed or even on the toilet (I know you guys are looking really forward to these toilet moments)...


what this means is that we are entering the dawn of a new era where this blog will provide a much more upto the minute and intimate blogging experience for both you and I...


Enjoy....


(incase you're wondering .. I'm actually blogging from my bedroom in Leeds...)

A story

I want to tell you a story.

I made dinner for myself yesterday. Chicken and potatoes. The potatoes are irrelevant to the story. I had two pieces of chicken breast, coated in spicy breading. I had been working all day and thought "Damn, I need some brain food. See you little pieces of chicken? I am going to eat the sh*t out of you and then study my ass off. Oh yes, I am going to eat all of you, little f***!"

Then the chicken got cheeky and was all like "You dumb b******, you couldn't eat me if you tried. You're nothing but an accountant! A pitiful accountant. You vegetarian son of a bitch. Come on f****** eatme you wimp! EAT ME!!!!!

I was mildly surprised. Had my brain finally gone all David Lynch on me and freaked out? Or was this piece of sublimely cooked chicked actually talking back to me. Surely not, most chickens dont talk. But then, the second piece started up "Yeah you really do suck, look at you trying to figure what the hell is going on, you dumb idiot. We just might eat you, bitch."

Well my mind was made up. I picked up my fork and BAM! skewered that first piece of chicken and CHOMP! I bit it good. CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP, I ate him good, chicken juice running down my mouth and debris flying ever where. I could hear a slight whimper as I swallowed down the last of that succulent breast.

I looked down upon the second piece "Oh yeah! You're next punk, I am going to eat you like a fat, bullied kid eats cake - with my fingers!", I said to it. "No really, you aint so bad. You ate that other son of a bitch like a pro, I was just following him, he always bosses me around. Please Mr. don't eat me" the breaded chicken pleaded with me. I contemplated his request for a moment."F*** it, Im hungry.", I said to the shithead, picked him up and took a massive bite out of him. "Oooooooo yes, you're good" I said between mouthfuls. "I'll give your fat ass salmonella!", it screamed as I ate it down.Then I went back to work very full and slightly bloated.

This is my message to the world. I'm impressed with it.

I think I am owed an apology! Oh yeah! Salim's always right and dont you forget it! I am the blog master! I am the master of everything hahahahahahahaha!!!! If there was a song about the best thing in the world, it would be called "Salim". Or maybe "Salim is so great". It definitely wouldn't be named after anyone or anything else in the world. No way! Other people are the kind of people who get killed by bees! I get killed in a courageous Hollywood ending after saving a village full of south-east Asian orphans.

Salim = Right
The World = Wrong and sh1t!

Me got brains....

I have developed a theory. A theory more illuminating and earth shattering than Einstein's theory of relativity. I am unable to articulate it effectively at present and am still gathering data to support my already overwhelming body of evidence. All will come clear soon. Sit tight. Continue plundering and pillaging. I am annoyed I have had no reports of your plunderous exploits

The hardest part is thinking....

I think blogger should invent mind-blogs where you can think of the post you want to write and it is transferred directly from your brain to your blog. I have been finding it a chore to post recently, probably because I havent been up to much and any fantastic ideas I have had require huge amounts of time and effort.

I'm on vacation, well semi-vacation (well I'm at work so that count's as a vacation as I'm a lazy ass), so I'm not in the mood for huge amounts of time and effort.

Its a beautiful day

Well again I can't think of much to write about.... but my colleague (to protect his privacy lets give him a false identity say Maritz - the South African) suggested that I tell the world how beautiful a day it is.... I gave him a look of consternation and said"who's gonna find that interestin matey?????".....

Then with a sly grin he replied... "ahh but imagine all those people in Poland, Siberia and the North Pole... who will be tortured at hearing how warm it is here......"

And therein my dear readers you can get an insight into the mental workings of Maritz - the South African!!!!!!!!!!! Any people from the colder climates should be way of crossing his path for fear of the mental torture he will wreak upon them...........

Disclaimer

Actually the person mentioned above as Maritz - the South African is a really nice bloke, he even brought a cake in cos it was his birthday (For the record I have never seen how he intereacts with people from Poland, Siberia or the North Pole, so I can neither confirm nr deny that he would cause them much mental torture!!!!).

Oh yeah and "HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY MARITZ - THE SOUTH AFRICAN"

The Window

I haven't posted for a while... and my solution take the lazy man's option and post something someone else wrote... here's a story someone e-mailed me... enjoy..

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs.

His bed was next to the room's only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back. The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation.
Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window. The man in the other bed began to live for those one-hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.
The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.
As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene. One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man couldn't hear the band - he could see it. In his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.

Days and weeks passed. One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away. As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window.

The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone. Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed. It faced a blank wall. The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window. The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall. She said, "Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you." Epilogue:

There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations. Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled. If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can't buy. Remember....
People will forget what you said.. People will forget what you did... But people will never forget how you made them feel...

...the invisible blogger...

I haven't blogged for a while as have been Carlos (or car less) and very busy at work at the same time....

This has led to me running around like a headless chicken and having very little time for the blog.....

I can't really promise lots of new posts to make up... but I will try!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A weekend of leisure... or maybe not...

The weekend is here, its summer and to top it off Moday is a bank holiday... so that should mean relaxation and driving around meeting friends ands generally chilling out....

..err... well in my case that's not going to happen....

I was planning to visit a friend in East London and then see a cousin in Surrey... but... my car has decided to disintegrate... well to be more precise the water leak (that I was too tight fisted to repair last week) has led to the water pump seizing, then the timing belt failing and taking out the rest of my engine!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What would have been a £280 repair job has turned into potentially £600 (minimum). The car can't be seen by the mechanic till next week... and the damn thing only cost me £400...

So what should I do...

FIX IT - not worth it since the car cost less then the repairs and will probably fail its next MOT!!!

SCRAP IT AND BY ANOTHER SECOND HAND CAR - not really an option as I haven't got a clue and I'll probably just by a bigger dud!!!!

SCRAP IT AND BY ANOTHER BRAND NEW CAR - well can't really afford this option!!!!

BECOME CARLOS (OR CAR LESS) FOR A WHILE - BUT I do need a car for work... and soon ... I'm travelling around three sites next week and the week after I'm going to Solihull and Manchester!!! Fun and games...

none of the options really suit me but I'll have to fork out some cash and soon... if anyone wants to donate some cash to a good cause (i.e. me) or even a car (preferably a Ferrari) just mail me... as a thank you I'll let you have a gmail account...

But in the meantime I guess I'll be catching the bus!!!

Take care and have a good weekend!